I am realizing more and more everyday that this blog has become more of an outlet for me in dealing with life as a medical student than as stories from a medical student. It is funny. I started college off as a journalism major, and somehow I have ended back to the point of writing because I love it–even if I have no readers. It is cathartic. It is revealing. It is expression of emotion.
This past week has been tough. Events have occurred that never needed to. We all know relationships come to an end for various reasons–whatever they may be, we have all been at that point. I find myself in this odd predicament of having something ripped away from me for no reason than lack of communication because of drama from the past. That may seem like a lot, but to me it indicates not a problem with “our” relationship, but with the dynamics of dealing with a persistent past. I have no doubt that MY issues with the harassment my significant other was facing was not helping the situation. I also know he was wrong in lying about the situation. We BOTH were at fault several times–but again, the problems all stemmed from an outside force on our relationship.
Does it change anything? Maybe not. To me, it makes moving on difficult. Not in the sense that I will never love again, but questions are left unanswered. What would have happened given a fair shot without the outside pressure? Can the happiness we experienced really be taken away by this one situation? Shouldn’t “us” be able to fix/work on this without worrying about outside drama? Is this over because we couldn’t work, or something wouldn’t let us?
I sit here, and maybe this is wrong to admit, wanting contact, wanting words, comfort from him. I want to see how he is–if the emotions he is going through can be taken away by my smile or funny faces. I want to send him flowers next week, just to give him a little bit of happiness. I know inherently we are good for each other. The laughter and happiness I experienced cannot be overshadowed by a bad case of the ex. I really just think things came to a head to the point that he couldn’t deal with all the pressure. Sadly, I was just trying to be there for him, protecting and taking care of him while trying to fight for him.
He told me I was was worth fighting for and that I used to make him happy. Ironically, the only time that I can remember sadness related to him was when he wasn’t around, or there was distance between us. That sadness is here now. I have no doubt the caring we have for each other. I just don’t know how to convey that I want to see where that caring goes without the residual crap. I don’t want to sound desperate, or miserable, or unhappy. My life is amazing with great people and opportunities in store. I could find someone else, but I’m at the point of realizing the greatness I found in him, and the potential that can add to my life–he compliments me perfectly. He is an amazing person. We just caught up in the outside stuff, not holding tight to us.
I wish Monday night had never happened. Today would be different. The future would be different. I want the answer to the questions. I want to make him smile. I want to be that guy he inherently knows will be the best for him everyday. But besides my wants, his happiness is the thing that matters. And I can, and have, delivered on that.
I’m trying not to call. I’m trying not to text. I’m trying to study, move on, and not wait. I have a feeling we are both doing that, mostly with fear of what it means, what it conveys, and fear of the future if we do reach out for the other. I’m working on myself to be an even better guy…at this point I want that to be with him. I don’t know if this is going out into the world, or if he will ever see it, but I’m sending out there with this lasting message.
Babe, in the time we were together I was happy, and we work well together. We both know it. I want your happiness more than anything. I’m sending this out to the universe as a means to release my emotion and to send a positive vibe into the world and to you. Please don’t hold back in fear of us because of the past or the situational crap. Don’t worry if this is wrong because you’re unhappy with the drama that happened–that stuff will fade. If you truly care, and if I make you happy (genuinely), I’m here for you. It is like the Valentine’s Day Card–I make you smile everyday–don’t you want to keep smiling? We don’t have to fix this tomorrow… but if this is seriously broken and gone, tell me. Release us both, or hold on tight.