Breathe out…

I am realizing more and more everyday that this blog has become more of an outlet for me in dealing with life as a medical student than as stories from a medical student. It is funny. I started college off as a journalism major, and somehow I have ended back to the point of writing because I love it–even if I have no readers. It is cathartic. It is revealing. It is expression of emotion.

This past week has been tough. Events have occurred that never needed to. We all know relationships come to an end for various reasons–whatever they may be, we have all been at that point. I find myself in this odd predicament of having something ripped away from me for no reason than lack of communication because of drama from the past. That may seem like a lot, but to me it indicates not a problem with “our” relationship, but with the dynamics of dealing with a persistent past. I have no doubt that MY issues with the harassment my significant other was facing was not helping the situation. I also know he was wrong in lying about the situation. We BOTH were at fault several times–but again, the problems all stemmed from an outside force on our relationship.

Does it change anything? Maybe not. To me, it makes moving on difficult. Not in the sense that I will never love again, but questions are left unanswered. What would have happened given a fair shot without the outside pressure? Can the happiness we experienced really be taken away by this one situation? Shouldn’t “us” be able to fix/work on this without worrying about outside drama? Is this over because we couldn’t work, or something wouldn’t let us?

I sit here, and maybe this is wrong to admit, wanting contact, wanting words, comfort from him. I want to see how he is–if the emotions he is going through can be taken away by my smile or funny faces. I want to send him flowers next week, just to give him a little bit of happiness. I know inherently we are good for each other. The laughter and happiness I experienced cannot be overshadowed by a bad case of the ex. I really just think things came to a head to the point that he couldn’t deal with all the pressure. Sadly, I was just trying to be there for him, protecting and taking care of him while trying to fight for him.

He told me I was was worth fighting for and that I used to make him happy. Ironically, the only time that I can remember sadness related to him was when he wasn’t around, or there was distance between us. That sadness is here now. I have no doubt the caring we have for each other. I just don’t know how to convey that I want to see where that caring goes without the residual crap. I don’t want to sound desperate, or miserable, or unhappy. My life is amazing with great people and opportunities in store. I could find someone else, but I’m at the point of realizing the greatness I found in him, and the potential that can add to my life–he compliments me perfectly. He is an amazing person. We just caught up in the outside stuff, not holding tight to us.

I wish Monday night had never happened. Today would be different. The future would be different. I want the answer to the questions. I want to make him smile. I want to be that guy he inherently knows will be the best for him everyday. But besides my wants, his happiness is the thing that matters. And I can, and have, delivered on that.

I’m trying not to call. I’m trying not to text. I’m trying to study, move on, and not wait. I have a feeling we are both doing that, mostly with fear of what it means, what it conveys, and fear of the future if we do reach out for the other. I’m working on myself to be an even better guy…at this point I want that to be with him. I don’t know if this is going out into the world, or if he will ever see it, but I’m sending out there with this lasting message.

Babe, in the time we were together I was happy, and we work well together. We both know it. I want your happiness more than anything. I’m sending this out to the universe as a means to release my emotion and to send a positive vibe into the world and to you. Please don’t hold back in fear of us because of the past or the situational crap. Don’t worry if this is wrong because you’re unhappy with the drama that happened–that stuff will fade. If you truly care, and if I make you happy (genuinely), I’m here for you. It is like the Valentine’s Day Card–I make you smile everyday–don’t you want to keep smiling? We don’t have to fix this tomorrow… but if this is seriously broken and gone, tell me. Release us both, or hold on tight.

Looking out for a better outlook.

Have you ever sat down and thought about your personal goals? The short term ones, long term ones, the life ones? I find myself doing that on a constant basis–I feel like I have a good grasp of where I’m going and where I want to end up.

Never works out that way, huh? I cannot begin to tell you how often plans get changed, or life throws you a curve ball. “I will get this work done by Wednesday.”…then Saturday rolls around, and it is finally completed. “OMG, I am so gonna marry this guy.”…then three months later you’re perusing the online dating ads. “I will make time for myself.” …and then you realize, you’ve been playing catch-up, or trying to keep up with friends and family, or school, or work until that point that you finally get “me” time that you just want a nap (or the next wave of crazy heads your way).

I think the majority of my problem is procrastination (maybe that’s why I am blogging, instead of learning GI meds). I’ve had to instate the “I’m gonna study for 15 min before I read CNN, or facebook, or go run, or whatever.” It works sometimes. And other times, I am fine for hours, engrossed in the fascinating field I have placed myself in. My study focus is, a majority of the time, the former, however. Studying begins, and I need to grab a snack, or fold clothes, or run 3 miles, or go to the bar…and, later, all of sudden this wave of guilt overcomes me and I feel terrible…so terrible that I turn on the TV… does this ring true to any of you? 🙂

But whatever! Life is too short to worry about the stuff we haven’t done, right? It will all work out in the end. We need to focus on what’s around us, right in front of, so we don’t miss out…which leads me to today’s blog.

Observation. We use it everyday in medicine. What we see, hear, feel, touch, and even smell. It goes deeper when we get “the vibe” or “aura” of someone. We use in in our everyday lives, too. Is our best friend mad at us? Is the coffee barista flirting? Why does the dog look guilty? We process and evaluate, review and conclude in seconds, sometimes without even knowing we are doing it. Sometimes we ignore what we observe, other times it eats at us until we mull it over and over. Our personalities can be shaped by how we process the outside world…and sometimes context is everything.

We have become a world, however, that focuses on ourselves, or getting the job done, or like I was typing about earlier, where we set all these goals and never once stop to “smell the roses.” We are always living for tomorrow, overlooking what we have today. We worry about losing what we have, instead of seeing and valuing that which we already possess. We don’t listen to those around us because our own outlook is the only one that matters, or our cares are more valuable than theirs. We never want someone to get the one-up on us, so we constantly trek on, keeping ourselves guarded and on task.

I took an Art of Observation class last semester where we were taught that an average museum patron spends only five seconds at a work of art. Five seconds. How can we see works of art for their beauty, purpose, intent, and creativity in less time than we take to tie our shoes? Now apply that to your life. How long do you treasure your friends, you family, your partner (and I mean seriously appreciate the enrichment they add to your lives)? Do you try to return it? Do you even let people in? How often do you pause to revel at an act of kindness, or nature, or something beautiful? How often do you just stop to think? We go and go and go (and I am perfectly guilty of this), sometimes forgetting that the purpose of life is to live–in the here and now, not the future that may or may not be there.

I’m making a promise to myself to appreciate the present, and the amazing things that God has placed in and around my life. Is it harder to do as a medical student? Maybe. But I only have one life to live, and I’m going to make it grand (that’s such a fancy word 🙂 ) I have too much to be thankful for and too much to see/do/observe than to throw it away chasing after goals that can be accomplished in addition to embracing the here and now that I am in. And after all, I am pretty good at procrastination, and I control the pace of the race.

Getting it out…

Welcome to the first post! I’m not sure what the blog is about, or what direction it will head in–but I want it to be cathartic and fun for me, and inspiring and knowledgeable for you. I’m a second year medical student, struggling to stay afloat in school while continuously trying to maintain some semblance of a social life (so I have plenty of time for a blog, obviously.)

So let’s set the mood.  Tests are in two weeks; Valentine’s Day is tomorrow; Step I is in a few months; I live far from my hometown and ranch, and miss my family like crazy; I have a lot of wonderful, amazing people in my life, including a great guy (get it???? the doctor is OUT???), and life is overall pretty amazing, even when it sucks. I’m doing this instead of homework. Oh, and it is currently raining, while I sit in a SB.

Okay, so you kinda get a glimpse of where I am. And why I would really kind of like to pause life right now. Not permanently–just a kind of “hold on guys, let me stop and catch my breath–we just ran 30 miles” kind of pause. Medical school is hard. Grueling. Difficult. And I have been doing it for two years. This guy is tired! 🙂  The real issue also centers around a lack of understanding about the sacrifices it takes to become a competent physician, the choices and decisions we have to make in lieu of our family, friends, and yes, sometimes, hygiene. “No I can’t spend the day shopping with you–I have to figure out the difference between pseudohypothyroidism and pseudopseudohypothyroidism.” By the way, I did. Throw in all the political discourse about healthcare in this country, and you have a conundrum of “Should have I stayed on that tractor and kept plowing?”  It is really hard to find motivation to keep going sometimes, especially when there is no way to…like I said…just pause life. Especially, as we watch others pass merrily along with their free time, well-rested, smiling faces, and their showering. But I and the thousands of other medical students across this country continue on. And on. And on. We “just keep swimming.”

On top of it all, this past year has been a difficult one for me–life stuff, school stuff, deaths, and so on. It has really piled up. I can honestly say that I have seen growth in myself this past year–you know it has been tough when you can actually see change in yourself that occurred without trying. But alas…no downer moments, just trying to let you have a little glimpse into me, before we embark on this little blogging adventure.

I promise awesome medical/life interaction stories, pictures, and maybe a little humor–maybe. And I thank you for letting me get it out…Here we go!!!

Accurate portrayal of how others view us...